Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
