Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
