Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
