I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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