theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
