The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I pour the whiskey from now on
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
