There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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