Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
