My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
