dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
