i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
