How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
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I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
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He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.