I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
