I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex