this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
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They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
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WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!