you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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