My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
