Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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