Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
