Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
