I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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