if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
