dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
