Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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