I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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