my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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