My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
