I looked at my own cervix.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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