On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
