dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
