If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
