I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
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I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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