Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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