About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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