i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
