I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
