He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
