he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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