i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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