got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
