I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
