Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Randomize
