When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just want nice things and good sex
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
If I die, sorry about rent.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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