All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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