I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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