Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
