Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We have so much sex to catch up on
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
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