I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Congratulations! We have a period
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