I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
