My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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