I seem to have left my pride at pride
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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