This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I am naked and annoyed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
