I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
