this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
