hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
His hands were made for my vagina.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
