why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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