Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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