Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
