Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
