I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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