YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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