My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
